


Tell Me How

by iamanidhwal



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Not Beta Read, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Pining, Secret Crush, Secret Relationship, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:15:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24455035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamanidhwal/pseuds/iamanidhwal
Summary: Thin strokes on lined paper. Words flowing from the pen nib like the blood in his veins, ink drawing out the words that he’s kept deep in the pits of his heart for so long. Sentences and sentiments, secrets that he’s never known the courage to show for.The fire has not died; in fact, it burns ever brighter. And yet, when the new phrases fall from his lips, so do the tears from his eyes. And it doesn’t stop with small droplets on the corners of the page. It doesn’t stop, at all.Tadashi is tired. Tadashi is pained. Yet, Tadashi loves all the same.---Based on thisart piece by Nero-Sanand thisline!
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 28
Kudos: 177





	Tell Me How

**Author's Note:**

> ZERO TOLERANCE ON SHIP HATE AND SHIP WARS IN THE COMMENTS. WATCH IT. 
> 
> Also, I wrote this start-to-finish in like... 3 hours. No editing and no betas, that's why it's like... rambling. Hahaha;;;

* * *

Tadashi's chest is tight. It's been tight for years now, with almost every day spent being beside Tsukishima Kei's side. 

They've gotten closer over the years, never really leaving each other's side or straying too far. Where one went (usually Kei), the other (usually Tadashi) would follow. It got to the point that even their schoolmates would ask them where the other was if they were ever alone, which was a rare occasion. 

Kei liked his company; he's said so, anyway, albeit only once, when Tadashi had been so stressed and had read all the signs wrong and gotten distressed at the idea that Kei was cross with him.

"You're not overbearing," he explained, trying to stop Tadashi from crying. "And you listen, and you know your boundaries. Not a lot of people understand that, but you do. So I'm happy to be your friend, Yamaguchi."

Tadashi had felt something warm pool in his chest like he had just downed a bowl full of warm soup. "You don't hate me?"

And the blonde just gave him the most incredulous look. "No. Why would I?"

When Tadashi hadn't been able to answer, Kei just stood up and took his bag. Class was over, and he was never the type to dawdle. "Let's go?"

Tadashi just nodded, wiping his tears and following him as he had always done. 

_Kei doesn't hate me. Of course, he doesn't._

_I mean, really, why would he?_

* * *

Tadashi's chest is tight. It's been tight for years now.

But as he's sneaking around, with a love letter in his hand, he feels his chest constrict even tighter. His heart is hammering inside his ribcage, he's breaking out in a sweat, and he feels almost faint. His shaky hands are clammy, and the envelope is creased at the corners, worn to the point of slight fraying, because of how much he's run his hands across it, trying to muster up the strength to take it out of his schoolbag.

It has been months since he drafted it. Weeks since he's decided which words to use. Days since he's kept it in a small inside pocket in his bag, on the off-chance that today, or tomorrow, or the day after that, would be the day that he would finally grow a pair and indirectly confess.

He makes up an excuse that he needs to buy something from the Sakanoshita and that he had to get home early to shake Kei off. His resolve nearly crumbled at the small, nearly-imperceptible pout on his best friend's face, but Kei eventually gave in, said that he'll see him the day after, anyways.

There were no people around, only a few stragglers talking in hushed tones on the other side of the shoe racks. 

_Now,_ he thinks, because if he waits for a second longer, he's going to chicken out. Or die from arrhythmia. Or get caught sneaking around, and, possibly, die of embarrassment. 

He goes to the familiar rack, deposits the letter, and leaves hurriedly.

It was an in-and-out operation. It took him two seconds, tops.

Yet Tadashi felt like his heart is beating too loud; it was in his ears, and his stomach is in knots, and he feels nauseated at the thought of what he's done that he has to take pause and steady himself.

He did it. He _did_ it. 

Tadashi looks up at the sky, laughs a little to himself, because he can't believe he just _did_ it. Years of pining and covert looks, quiet mumbles, and side-long glances have culminated in such a brazen act so unlike him that he has to take a moment to reassess himself.

Is he really Yamaguchi Tadashi, the very same Yamaguchi Tadashi that has been in love with his best friend for as long as he could remember? The same person who'd readily apologize to Kei even before he knew exactly what he did wrong? The same person who'd follow him wherever he went, went along with whatever he wanted? The same, scared boy that was saved by a tall blonde kid in the same grade from the bullies that haunted him?

 _I feel free,_ he thinks to himself, closing his eyes as a breeze blows past. _Free, but not from you._

_I hope my message gets across._

_I hope my feelings reach you._

* * *

Tadashi's chest is tight. It's been tight for years now.

It constricts when he hears his best friend say, "Oh, they reached me, alright."

Tadashi's ears feel like they're burning, and he ducks his head to hide it as he surreptitiously listens on. Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Hinata are all crowding around Tsukishima, faces in varying degrees of awe and jealousy as the rumor of their cold, aloof first-year kouhai received a love confession before any of them could. 

But with Tadashi huddled over, pretending to tie his shoelaces tighter, he strains to hear their conversation. His stomach is in knots once more, because the giddy surge of adrenaline had finally died down and left him with nothing but molasses for organs, slow and sticky, making him feel absolutely, positively sick. When he had finally found the courage (or stupidity) to actually leave his anonymous love confession in Kei's shoebox, he didn't realize, until much later that evening, that he was gauging for his best friend's reaction to someone having feelings for him.

And now, as he's pelted with more questions, Kei doesn't sound disgusted, nor smug. He was... _neutral._

Tadashi doesn't know what to make of it, so he stays quiet and listens.

"Who is it?" Nishinoya demands. 

Kei shrugs, wiping his glasses. "I don't know."

"No need to keep secrets!"

"I'm not. There just wasn't a name."

"Ah, so she's probably scared of your reaction but decided to confess anyway," Tanaka muses, hand on his chin as if in thought. "Such bravery."

"Who said it was a girl?" Kei fires back quickly, a flare of annoyance evident in his voice. "Nobody could tell from just handwriting."

Quiet settles quickly between them. Tadashi looks up at the blonde, eyes wide and breath short because _oh no, Tsukki must have found out, he must have, oh God, what is he going to do, what is he going to say --_

"So you're saying it could be a guy?" Hinata asks, blowing over the moment of awkwardness like it was nothing.

Kei just sighs and repositions his glasses on his face. "I'm just saying. You can't really tell. It could be a guy. Could be a girl. I've had letters from both."

"From _both?"_ Everyone asks, and Tadashi finds himself asking it aloud as well.

Kei blinks at the sudden outburst, taking a half-step back. "Uh... Yeah."

"Wait a minute --"

" _Nishinoya! Tanaka! Hinata! Group A, now!"_ Coach Ukai's voice drowns out any other chance for the boys to carry on with the conversation, and they all disperse to take over their positions on either side of the court. 

Kei sighs in what looks like relief as the people who keep pestering him have all moved away. But Tadashi is still transfixed, eyes never straying away from Kei's sweaty face as he processes this new information. 

_He's gotten letters? From other people? Girls, and guys?_

_When? From who? Were they all anonymous? Was he that popular?_

_Why did he never tell me?_

The questions keep burning inside him. Tadashi's mouth opens once more, to try and let some of them out, get some answers, but Kei just tilts his head in the direction of the court before he could get another word in. 

"You done?" He asks. 

Tadashi blinks then nods, fingers still looped around his laces. "Yeah... yeah," he mumbles.

"Alright. I'm going on ahead."

"Tsukki."

"What?"

And with Kei's slightly irritated stare, Tadashi fumbles. "I mean... are you... who...?"

Even with the disjointed words in a feeble attempt to string out a sentence, Kei knows. Kei understands what Tadashi is trying to say.

But unfortunately, he neither knows nor understands just exactly _why_ Tadashi needs to know. "I don't really want to talk about it," Kei mumbles, fixing his glasses again.

Tadashi scrutinizes his face, and there's a slightly, barely-there blush on his cheeks. It sends a spike directly into Tadashi's chest, piercing his heart, although he doesn't know why. Or he knows, but he doesn't want to address it. Not really.

"If," Tadashi starts out, without a plan nor a premise on where his sentence was going to go. He just needs Kei's attention on him, just for a few seconds longer. "If something happened, or changed, with you... you'd say something... right?"

He doesn't know what he's implying, or how his words have been received. There's a moment where Kei's face is blank with confusion. But then he turns away, obscuring the new face he's making. "Mm. Of course."

Tadashi doesn't believe him. The tips of his ears are red.

_Why wouldn't you tell me?_

* * *

Tadashi's chest is tight. It's been tight for years now.

And right now, as he pens yet another letter to his best friend, laden with love and affection and any and all mushy affirmations, he feels pain.

> ~~_Dear Tsuk_ ~~
> 
> ~~_To Tsukishima Ke_ ~~
> 
> _Dear Kei,_
> 
> _I hope you're not too bothered by my letters. I don't really know how to properly convey myself. I think this is already my fifth? Sixth? letter. I hope you don't mind, although I've heard from a certain source that you didn't mind whether you receive a letter from anyone or not._
> 
> _It's... good, in a way. Your confidence, your self-assurance. It knocks me back and leaves me with nothing but awe with your character and personality._
> 
> _You're always so... cool, and relaxed. Your focus and ~~game~~ sense and skills when it comes to anything you put your mind to is awesome. And I especially like how you always know what to say and how to say it, no matter to your friends and even to your teammates. (I mean, I guess as much, seeing as you look close with most of them.)_
> 
> _And although you're sometimes misunderstood as rude, I see that you're not like that. You're the total opposite. You don't mince your words, and you always mirror what other people show you. If its haughtiness, you bring that out. If it's friendship and kindness, you show it in your own, unique way._
> 
> _I hope, that if I show you my love, you in turn would show love my way, as well._
> 
> _I won't bother you for a while. Thank you for at least acknowledging my feelings and reading every letter (Again, I heard from a certain source). And thank you once again for not letting it bother you._
> 
> _I wish for your well-being, always._
> 
> _Best,_
> 
> _♥_

Tadashi wants to say something, ask something, but he can't really require Kei to respond. Asking him for an answer meant that Tadashi would need to come clean, and he'd rather not risk receiving ire from his best friend for his latent feelings and cowardly approach to confession.

Yet still, as he folds the letter and seals it in an envelope, he can't help but wonder, thoughts going back to the conversation they had in the gym. The blush on Kei's cheeks, the tension in his shoulders... he was hiding something, that much Tadashi could tell. Or, by the looks of it, was sitting on something but had no clue how exactly to tell his best friend. He's known Kei long enough, had memorized each and every tic when it came to even the slightest shift in mood or behavior. Apart from his Akiteru, Tadashi could read Kei best.

But recently, he couldn't read him at all. He doesn't know when or why or how, but lately Tsukishima Kei became an enigma even to Tadashi, the person he spends the most time with.

 _This is bad,_ he thinks, as he raises the envelope to the light, weighing the letter in his hands as if weighing the words he so haphazardly scribbled down. _My feelings are getting in the way. He probably thinks I've been acting weird the past few days._

_I should do something. Say something._

_I should... probably stop._

_..._

_One more._

_One more letter._

* * *

And so Tadashi finds himself lurking in the shoe racks yet again, his final letter of confession folded neatly in his hands. It's a long one, the longest yet out of all seven he's written Kei. Or at least, the seven he's been confident enough to actually deliver to the recipient. 

And yet, he finds himself hesitating. Because although he's written to him, waxed poetry about all the things he loves about Kei and all the things he wishes he could say to his best friend's face, not once in those letters did Tadashi ever get the bravery to actually reveal who was holding the pen. His letters all remain unsigned except for a small heart in place of a name, because God forbid Yamaguchi Tadashi would be found out. 

But it seems... wrong, somehow. _Anti-climatic._ To have such a feverish reaction to the manifestation of feelings he's suppressed for so long, _years in the making,_ only for it to end in such a way. No dramatic confrontations. No direct confession. He can only write the words ' _I love you_ ', only utter them in the darkness of his room when he lies wide awake at night. And although he thinks some days that he's finally brave and confident enough to actually say those words in person, to the one he truly loves, one look from Kei sends his mind reeling. There's a lump in his throat that never seems to go away until hours after he's arrived home.

 _It's fine,_ Tadashi says, trying to calm his heart down, because he'd been so busy and distracted thinking about his final letter and delivering it at the end of practice that he'd spaced out most of the day. _It's fine. You've done this before, Tadashi. Open it, place it, close it, go._

"Open, place, close, go," Tadashi mumbles to himself. "Open, place, close, go."

 _Open._ Tadashi's fingers hook on the latch. Kei's shoes are still there, because Tadashi hurriedly excused himself and left Tsukki back in the club room.

 _Place._ After only a second's worth of hesitation, he clutches the envelope tight, fingers leaving imprints on the paper, before he leaves it in between his shoes.

 _Close._ He makes sure to close the door softly enough that stragglers on the other side of the cupboard wouldn't be alerted or wouldn't notice.

But when Tadashi turns to go, he stops in his tracks.

Because Tsukishima Kei, his best friend, the object of his affections, is staring right at him. Eyes wide, white headphones around his neck, phone in his hand as if he's just finished from answering a call. His mouth is half-open in surprise, and his eyes are bright, glowing in the rays of the setting sun. And his voice is soft when he finally finds the words he tries to say.

" _It's you."_

Tadashi's chest is tight. It's been tight for years now.

But right here, and right now, caught red-handed leaving a love letter addressed to his childhood best friend by the very same person he loves, Tadashi's chest feels even more like a cage, his little hummingbird heart trying to escape. It constricts his breathing, makes his heart stutter loudly. His nerves are failing him, his mouth doesn't work, his limbs are frozen. He can't run. He can't look away. And he can't explain anything. 

Was there even anything else to explain?

But Tadashi tries. Even still, he tries to talk. Even when he feels the world crashing down around him, even when everything feels too quiet and too loud at the same time. "I..."

"It's you," Kei repeats, shock evident in... _everything_. His face. His body language. The intonation of his voice. He's frozen in place just as much as Tadashi is. "All this time... all these letters...?"

"Tsukki," he restarts, but Tadashi's voice is rough because his throat and mouth is dry. It comes out weak, and breathless. Pained. "Tsukki, let me explain, I... I'm..."

"How long?" The blonde asks. Out of all the question he plucks out of thin air, out of all the possible queries he could ever hope Tadashi could answer, it's this that he starts with.

And Tadashi doesn't know how to react. His face warps into wistfulness, resignation, tenderness. "Years," he whispers, and he sees Kei's face become more open, more emotional. There's several emotions on his face, and Tadashi sees his best friend struggling to come up with the words, the appropriate reaction to finding out that their best friend had been harboring feelings for them for so, so long without them ever noticing.

But the longer Kei takes to come up with a response, the more that Tadashi hears his heartbeat in his ears. The more he realizes that Kei is struggling, and Tadashi doesn't want Kei to suffer. "Please... Please, let me explain, Tsuk-"

"Babe?"

Both Tadashi and Kei's heads whip around to see Kuroo Tetsurou, still in his high school uniform, bag casually slung around his shoulders and an easy smile on his face. He looks a bit apologetic and confused though, as though he knows he's walked in on a tense situation but not exactly knowing just what was going on. He raises his hand and nods his head to Tadashi in greeting, which he mirrors in kind.

But it's with an ice shard to his heart that Tadashi watches Kuroo face Kei, face going soft with affection, and repeats the words. "Babe, sorry I'm late, I came straight from the station... ready to go?"

 _Babe._ It rings hollow in Tadashi's chest as he sees Kuroo step forward, closing the distance between him and Kei.

 _Babe._ It gets louder in his ears, drumming alongside his heartbeat as an arm easily shoots out and captures the blonde's waist in a side-embrace.

 _Babe._ It dies down, along with his words of explanation, in his throat, as Kuroo captures Kei's lips with his own and Tadashi is forced to look away, because this moment is theirs, and it's intimate, and he's nothing but a bystander. An intruder.

Kei nudges him back lightly, cheeks reddening as he clears his throat, and only then does Kuroo realize and backs off. "Oh, shit, you haven't told him...?"

The blonde shakes his head. "N-Not ye--"

"It's fine," Tadashi says, plastering a smile on his face. He doesn't think it works -- not to Kei, not to the person who knows him for longer than most people -- but it's enough to convince Kuroo. "You didn't have to hide it, Tsukki. You know I would be happy for you, no matter what."

But there's an apologetic expression on Kei's face all the same, and Tadashi feels his heart shatter a bit more when he sees the blonde comfortably lean against Kuroo's side, hand tugging at his boyfriend's sleeve as though it was the most natural thing in the world. Like he's done it so many times before. In hindsight, he probably has. "Yamaguchi, I-"

But Tadashi interrupts him, bowing low so they wouldn't see his eyes brim with tears. "Gomen, Tsukki, Kuroo. I have to go, so... excuse me."

"Yamagu-"

"I'll see you next week at practice!" He calls out as he runs, leaving the both of them behind.

He can't face them. Not right now. Thank God that it's the weekend, he thinks, because he doubts he could ever live through the pain and embarrassment of having to be caught like that and have to face Kei the next day.

He doubts that he can. And even if he can, he won't.

It takes him three blocks before Tadashi stops running. He doubles over to catch his breath, and only then does he realize that his cellphone is vibrating. Quickly, he takes it out, checks the caller ID, and even through the tears, he could still read his name on the screen.

_'Tsukki'_

_No,_ he thinks. _No, not now. I can't. I can't._

He tries not to think too much, tries not to have the guilt eat away at him as he denies the call, and turns his phone off to prevent a repeat.

_Not right now, Tsukki._

_Gomen, Tsukki._

* * *

Thin strokes on lined paper. Words flowing from the pen nib like the blood in his veins, ink drawing out the words that he’s kept deep in the pits of his heart for so long. Sentences and sentiments, secrets that he’s never known the courage to show for. 

> _Dear Tsukki,_
> 
> _I'm sorry for what happened last week. It was rude of me to run off just like that. And I didn't even let you speak much, nor even explain myself._
> 
> _Although I don't really know if you still want me to explain._
> 
> _I should have, I know, but I think the shock of having been found out and the events afterward just shook me too much. I hope I didn't disturb you and Kuroo too much. It wasn't my intention._
> 
> _But to tell you the truth, it wasn't really my intention to have my letters exceed more than one. I only ever wanted to confess to you because I... realized that what had once been admiration that had transformed into some sort of childish crush had now developed into... love. Or something of that sort._
> 
> _I've said it many times in the seven letters I've given you, and I've said it many times more in the other letters I was never able to give you._
> 
> _I love you, Tsukishima Kei._
> 
> _But I know you'd never love me back. i think that was always a given. I've realized, the same day that I've realized my love for you, that you would never feel the same way. You deserve people who would always challenge you, always keep you on your toes. Not someone who'd make you complacent, or just someone who'd follow you around.  
>    
>  _

The fire has not died; in fact, it burns ever brighter. And yet, when the new phrases fall from his lips, so do the tears from his eyes. And it doesn’t stop with small droplets on the corners of the page. It doesn’t stop, at all.

> _I've always run after you, Tsukki. Always, like a man looking at the moon in the night sky. You're always so far out of reach, but that doesn't really stop me from falling in love with you._
> 
> _But seeing you with Kuroo that time, just... It made me feel sad all the same. Even when I already knew that you'd never look at me the same way I look at you, it still hurts to know that I was right. Maybe some part of me, somewhere deep down, was in denial. Some part of me, somewhere deep down, had a tiny spark of hope, that maybe, maybe I'd be wrong._
> 
> _This is the part where you snort softly, and you smirk, and you say, "Pathetic."_
> 
> _I know, because I am. I could see myself pining, could see myself whining. You'd think of me as weak, as pathetic, having had a crush on you for so long and never having the guts to identify myself even in the very end. That I'd have to be caught red-handed by you, of all people, in the act of leaving my final letter._
> 
> _I'm sorry. That's not going to be my final letter. This one will be._

Tadashi is tired. Tadashi is pained. Yet, Tadashi loves all the same.

> _Despite everything, I love you. I love you still. It takes time to build a love like this, so please give me time to break it back down._
> 
> _It's become a habit. Every day I wake up thinking of you, getting excited to meet you and greet you 'good morning'. My eyes automatically follow you when you're playing on the court, and sometimes when I space out in class, I watch you think or fiddle with your pen, focusing on your studies or the scenery outside. And in the evening, I sometimes exchange texts, or pass by cafés, send you pictures of the cakes or ask you about homework even though I already know the answer. Always, always, just asking a few more minutes of your time and attention. And before I go to bed, I always close my eyes, think of you, and say 'I love you, Kei'. Even when I know I'd never be able to tell it to you personally. Even when I know you'd never say it back._
> 
> _So, Tsukki, I'm sorry once again._
> 
> _I'm sorry if I ever pushed my feelings and emotions on you. To the point that you didn't know what to do, or what to say when you found out it was me who was leaving letters in your shoebox._
> 
> _I'm sorry. I never really intended for you to know._
> 
> _Even until the very end, I'm still a coward, letting my emotions and thoughts into a letter that I'll leave in your shoebox once more._

Tadashi wipes at his eyes, because the tears have still not stopped and it's blotting the ink on the paper so horribly. He doesn't want to write this letter again, but he also doesn't want Kei to see just how much he's pained. He doesn't want him to feel guilty. These emotions are his, and only his. Never to be a burden for someone else, and never to be requited by Kei.

Tadashi's chest is tight. It's been tight for years now.

And he takes labored breath after labored breath to try and calm himself down, but the pain is still there, and the tightness stays. There's nothing he could do but to live with it.

> _I won't ask you to understand. I won't ask you to pretend to be okay with it if you aren't. I'd only ever hope to stay by your side as your friend, because that ~~was~~_ _is what I am, Tsukki. Your friend. Always. I'm always here for you, always rooting for your happiness and success. I wish you well with Kuroo, I really do. I see the love in his face. And I see you look at him the same way._
> 
> _The only thing I ask for is... time. Time to break the habit. Time for me to let my feelings grow out on its own._
> 
> _...I know I shouldn't be asking this, Tsukki, but I can't help myself anymore._
> 
> _Tell me how, please. Tell me: How do I unlove you?_
> 
> ~~_Your secret admirer_ ~~
> 
> _Forever your best friend,_
> 
> _Yamaguchi Tadashi_

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a proper fic in a while, and I haven't written like this (short vignettes and repeating lines)... ever. Sorry for the experimentation!


End file.
